


Autumn Leaves

by parsleylion



Category: Linkin Park
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, That good shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 16:07:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12302730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parsleylion/pseuds/parsleylion
Summary: 'Don't say it, please don't say it Mike.' I looked at Chester, a pang in my chest as his warm brown eyes filled with worry. 'But I can't do it anymore,' I whispered, staring vacantly out of the window and at that moment the cafe seemed to fall silent. Even the clatter of the dishwasher being filled in the kitchen stopped, that, or I was spacing out. Again.





	1. Chapter 1

The weather felt warm, a little too warm for fall, yet a little too cool for late summer and as I stepped outside and glanced around the parking lot we'd just pulled into, I wondered where the year had gone. Brown leaves were beginning to scatter themselves onto the ground below and at just after eight o'clock, dusk was already settling in. A loud patter of feet behind me brought me back to reality and I turned around just in time to see the rest of my band mates flocking off of our slightly rundown RV. I shoved my hands into my pockets, my eyes taking in the rusty RV that for the past however many months had been our home. Traveling from pub to club night after night was now our daily routine as we tried to put our newly signed band out into the public. Only it wasn't fun anymore. And to be honest, I couldn't remember the last time life had been any fun.

 

"You okay?"

 

I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked around, a smile tugging at my lips as my savior, the one and only irreplaceable boyfriend of mine, Chester, stood behind me. He leaned in a little, pressing his soft lips against mine, barely kissing me, yet managing to send shivers down my spine.

 

"I'm fine," I murmured.

 

"Alright," he smiled, his hand slipping around mine, "Let's go eat. I am starving," he chuckled and I allowed him to lead me over to the others who were stood by the door of the van, attempting to lock it without the damn thing falling off it's hinges.

 

"How many musicians does it take to lock a door?" Our long suffering tour manager, Bob chuckled wryly, "Come here Dave," he sighed, taking the keys from our black haired bass player. I smiled as Dave shoved the keys into his hand and stepped out of the way, glancing wearily around the rundown gas-station-come-diner that we'd found ourselves at.

 

"There," Bob stated proudly as he locked the door, "Now can we go eat, without making this town think we're insane?" he asked, notably glancing in Rob and Joe's directions.

 

"What?" Rob asked.

 

Bob shook his head, "If any of you decide to wonder off," he paused, this time powering his glance at Chester and I, "Just make sure you actually look where you're going and are back in a couple of hours. No gig tonight means we can rest up a little longer, okay?"

 

"Oh. My. God," Dave suddenly gasped.

 

"What?" Joe and Rob cried in unison as all our heads turned to look in Dave's direction.

 

"C...C... Cows," Dave stammered, pointing behind the van. I followed Dave's outstretched hand, my eyes resting on a fenced off field that stood behind the parking lot.

 

"Mooooo!" Joe shrieked, laughter erupting from everyone as Dave began to back away towards the diner.

 

"Argh!! Dave, behind you!" Brad yelled.

 

"What?" Dave spun round, a look of shock upon his face which soon turned into that off embarrassment, "Don't you guys, you know I don't like cows," he sulked.

 

"Okay. Drama over, let's get some food," Bob stated, ushering us towards the diner.

 

Joe immediately pounced upon Dave, a series of 'mooing' noises erupting from him and any other time I would have joined the others in laughing. Only I couldn't, because I felt so distant. So alone. So fucking fed up.

 

*

 

The diner smelt of a mixture of burnt toast and coffee, mixed with that of the greasy fry ups that Brad, Dave and Chester were busy eating around me. I continued to fiddle with the handle of the garish pink and green mug that stood before me on the table, glancing every so often into the next booth where Bob, Rob and Joe were sat. Joe was currently receiving withering looks from Bob as he proceeded to pour sachets of sugar into one of the salt shakers.

 

"Are you sure you won't eat man?" Brad spoke, glancing at me, "I mean this is the last decent meal," he paused, "Okay," he lowered his voice, "This is the last meal we're gonna get in a while. You really should have something..."

 

"I'm fine," I smiled and went back to staring into my coffee, ignoring the look of concern that Brad, Chester and Dave were sharing. I let out a sigh. I wasn't deliberately trying to dampen their moods, in fact, not long ago I would have been sat here eating and joking with them no matter how bad I felt. It just so happened that my knack for putting on a happy façade was slowly  
coming to an end.

 

Maybe I was just tired. Maybe I needed a solid weeks worth of sleep and then I'd be wide awake, full of beans and raring to go. Or maybe I'd taken more than I could manage and was slowly beginning to crumble, because that's sure what it felt like.

 

Things just didn't feel like how'd I'd imagined them to be, although, to be honest I couldn't tell you what I'd thought life in a band would be. It had never been intended to be our life long profession. The six of us had known one another since High School, where after getting bored of, well, being bored at the weekends, we'd decided to form a band. Xero, is what we'd eventually named ourselves as. Zero is exactly how many gigs we'd gotten through without being booed and heckled at by the time we'd been together for a year. But we struggled on, and not long after graduating from school, a talent scout, Mr. Edwards with a friend of a friend in the 'industry' had been at one of our more successful gigs and given us a publishing deal.  
Sometimes I wondered if traveling back in time and forcing the bouncers of that particular club to bar Mr. Edwards so that the money snatching git had never had seen us would be a good idea. That was probably just me being cynical though.

 

Over, what seemed like a thousand gigs later and at the beginning of the year we'd finally found ourselves being offered a record deal by a local record label; Indestructible Noise. And that's practically how we found ourselves here, in the middle of America, sat in a stuffy diner, halfway through a promotional tour before we went into a studio to record what would be our debut album. I couldn't wait. No, seriously, I couldn't. If it meant not having to be cramped up in a tiny RV night after night, waking up at three thirty am as the damn thing stalled, or wondering when the next time you were going to get a warm shower was, then I was definitely looking forward to it.  
The thought of working with some pretty well known producers was exciting, as was the fact that unlike our other records, which were mainly recorded in  
my one bedroomed flat, we'd actually be in a proper recording studio.

 

That's if I made it that far.

 

December seemed so far away, and looking ahead at the three months before that, I felt an uneasy feeling in my stomach. One that I longed to die away, only it never seemed to.

 

"Mike?"

 

I was snapped out of my deep thoughts as Chester spoke, and looking up I realised that it was only him and I in the booth, the others, along with their plates had gone. I wondered how long I'd been in a trance for.

 

"What's up, hey?" he asked, leaning his elbows on the table between us. I let  
out a sigh and sat up a little.

 

"Where are the others?"

 

"They went a few minutes ago. Bob's dragged them to the shop along the road to see if they can find any food to keep us stocked up," he paused, "The food really isn't that bad here y'know?" he smiled.

 

"It's not that," I smiled, "I'm just not hungry full stop."

 

"What is it?" he sighed, leaning across the table and brushing his fingers across my forehead, "Please talk," he whispered.

 

I sighed and pushed his hand away, resting my head in my hands, "I dunno," I shrugged, lifting my head, "Just tired, I guess," I murmured, absently fiddling with the salt shaker.

 

"Mike?" Chester spoke, placing his hand upon mine, "Please?"

 

I nervously chewed on my lip, glancing up at Chester as I spoke, "I did it," I sighed, watching as his eyes faltered, "I hurt myself," My voice faded and so did his soft smile. It faded, along with my promises to him that I'd never do it again.

 

"Mike," Chester breathed, "When?"

 

I paused, "Last night. After the gig."

 

He was speechless, I could tell he was thinking of what to say, which surprised me to be honest because Chester always knew what to say, especially in situations like this.

 

"When I disappeared to the toilets," I sighed, filling him in on what he was obviously trying to ask me, "And you found me in there... You asked me where I'd been all that time. I didn't lie, I had been in there, just thinking and," I stopped, "Y'know..."

 

Chester shook his head, his fingers softly stroking the back of my hand, "And there was me thinking you'd been having a crafty wank," he muttered causing me to break out into a smile. Trust Chester to think that, "No Mike," he sighed, "Sorry, it's not funny. I just wish you didn't feel this way," he murmured, "It's not nice, I know how fucking awful it feels. I just wish you could stop," he paused, "Because no one should have to feel so fucking low that they blame themselves and want to punish themselves."

 

I sighed. What Chester said made so much sense, of course it did, he'd been there and got the thin silvery scars to show but no matter how much someone told you that it was wrong, it couldn't seem to stop me from believing that it was right, that I deserved the pain I was inflicting on myself.  
"What triggered it off?" Chester asked softly, his warm fingers still smoothing over my hand.

 

"I don't know," I lied.

 

"Mike?"

 

"It's everything," I sighed, "Just everything. Don't you wonder if all of this is really worth it?" I asked.

 

"Every day," he nodded, "And you know what? We're not going to know if all of this is worth it unless we really try. Through thick and thin, remember? We said we'd all stick together."

 

"I don't think I can," I blurted out, catching Chester unaware.

 

"What?" he asked urgently, because Chester knew me like the back of his hand; he knew I was being deadly serious here.

 

"I want to leave, I want to quit the band," I spoke, my voice shaking.

 

"Don't say it, please don't say it Mike."

I looked at Chester, a pang in my chest as his warm brown eyes filled with worry.

 

"But I can't do it anymore," I whispered, staring vacantly out of the window and at that moment the cafe seemed to fall silent. Even the clatter of the  
dishwasher being filled in the kitchen stopped, that, or I was spacing out.

 

Again.

 

The past six months seemed to whiz before my eyes, scenes of us arguing, of us fooling around, scenes of Chester and I making out in the dark, trying to be quiet so as not to wake the others and failing miserably. Everything flashed by me, from the first time we ever met Mr. Edwards to the beginning of the year where we woke up the morning after being signed by Indestructible Noise, a mound of empty beer bottles and hangovers to boot. The sunny day back in February where we'd clambered onto our RV, pulling out of our sleepy hometown and onto a dusty highway, not sure when, or if, we'd ever see the place again and it left me numb. An uneasy feeling settled in the pit of my stomach and I wondered if I'd done the right thing by quitting my job and putting everything I had into this. This band had never meant to be for real, although the idea had always appealed, the six of us had never wanted to do this for a living, well, I certainly hadn't. All I'd wanted was to share my songs with the world, fuck fame if it were ever to come about, I just wanted people to hear me. Who cared if the only people to hear me were those few hundred  
in my town, it just didn't feel right. Nothing felt right anymore.

 

"You can do this. Please Mike, you've got to stay," Chester pleaded, his other hand grabbing onto mine.

 

I looked up, gulping as I saw Chester eyes. He was going to cry, all because of me, "Chester," I whispered, "I don't know if I want this."

 

"What?"

 

"This," I sighed, releasing my hands from his, "The band, it's too much and I don't think I can cope."

 

"You can Mike, you have to stop being so negative about everything."

 

"But what if I don't want to do it?"

 

Chester raised his eyebrow at me, "Okay. Put your hand on your heart and tell me that this isn't what you want," he told me sharply.

 

"Ches," I smiled, "You know I can't do that."

 

"You just said you don't want this..."

 

"I said I don't think I want this," I corrected him.

 

"Then what do you want?" he asked.

 

Cue a pause, an awkward silence cutting between Chester and I as I leaned back against the leather backrest, "I don't know," I whispered, "I don't have a clue."

 

"I don't think half the people in this world know what they want to do with their lives. But you've been given this fucking amazing chance and I know you're not going to throw it all away just because you're feeling a little unsure about things. I know things aren't exactly peachy at the minute, but we have been sharing an RV for the past six months and I don't know about you but the others are really starting to get on my nerves at times," Chester chuckled, "Remember that list of goals we made back in January?" he asked.

 

I nodded my head.

 

"You said you wanted us to win a Grammy. How's that ever gonna happen if you walk out on us? 'Cos if you go, we all quit. We made a pact, remember? We're all sticking together and if someone leaves, then that's it."

 

I sighed and glanced out of the window; the sun had almost set, leaving a  
streaky mess of orange and purple clouds deep in the sky. The gas station's neon yellow lights flickered, an old man staggering along the edge of the road with his dog on a leash just as Joe and Rob sped past him, looks of mischief upon there faces as they headed towards the RV. Bob, Dave and Brad could be seen just a few yards behind, Bob apologizing profusely to the old man, a look of anger upon his face as he headed after Joe and Rob. I watched as  
Dave and Brad headed into the gas station, my attention suddenly distracted as I felt Chester slip into the booth beside me.

 

"If you're serious about this, I'll do everything I can to persuade you to stay, but I won't force you. If this is what's making you unhappy," he stopped, "Is it me? I mean us? Is this what's bothering you?"

 

I turned away from the window, "No," I told Chester, "No it's not you. I'm just plain fed up and I don't know why."

 

"But you think that going home would solve things?" he asked.

 

I sighed and shuffled nearer him, resting my head against his shoulder as I thought about what he'd said. It didn't take long though, "No," I answered,

 

"No it would make things worse."

 

"Then what?" Chester asked, sliding his arm around my shoulder.

 

"I'm just having a bad day, okay, a bad week," I murmured, "I'm tired, I miss my home, I miss my mom and dad not talking to me and glaring at me everytime I bump into them and I miss the way the old lady in the flat next door brings me home made cookies," I chuckled.

 

Chester tightened his grip on me and placed a kiss on top of my head.

 

"And I miss the you and me time," I pouted, "I miss lying naked with you all day with no one disturbing us," I whispered, causing Chester to burst out laughing, "I just need a hug Chester," I sighed, feeling tears in the back of my eyes. My emotions seemed to be running in overdrive and Chester slipped his other arm around me, pulling me into a tight embrace.

 

"I don't wanna feel like this Ches," I sobbed into the crook of his neck, "I hate it when I'm like this."

 

And that's when I lost it, there and then right in the middle of a diner in Tulsa. I broke down in Chester's arms and I didn't stop crying until he'd carried me back to our RV and set me down on the battered blue and red striped couch.

 

*


	2. Chapter 2

"Oh for FUCKS sake."

 

"What now?"

 

"Ouch, Brad did you forget what you were taught in your driving lessons?"

 

"Well if Dave here hadn't had told me to take that turning back there we  
wouldn't be going the wrong fucking way."

 

"Will you shut up? You'll wake Mike."

 

"It's okay," I murmured, slowly sitting up, "I'm awake," I announced, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, "What happened?" I asked, rubbing my shoulders.

 

Sleeping on the couch, combined with the fact that Brad had just pulled an emergency stop were not a good combination.

 

"Cows," Chester stated as he clambered over a pile of bags to me, "Dave read the map wrong, we've doubled back on ourselves and ended up in that field of cows. Are you okay?" he asked, rubbing my shoulder as he sat down.

 

"Yeah," I winced, "Just whacked it when the van stopped. We didn't hit anything did we?" I asked.

 

"No," Chester smiled, "And somehow we didn't wake up Bob," he nodded towards the graying man who was slumped in the other couch, fast asleep. Joe sat the other side of him just as out of it as our tour manager.

 

"Okay," Brad spoke from the front, "If I can just get this thing into reverse, we can get out of here. Anyone else fancy navigating, cos Dave here is making a right pigs ear of things."

 

"Hey man," Dave protested, clambering over the back of the passenger seat,  
"It's not my fault. It's those cows," he shuddered, "I tell you, they're fucking evil. I knew something bad would happen when I saw them. L.. Look," he pointed out of the window, "That one's glaring at me, it's just, tell it to stop it," he shivered, making his way to us.

 

I shook my head as he sat down beside me, muttering something about how godamn evil cows were.

 

"You need to chill bro," Rob told Dave, "I'll read the map," he hollered as he got up and grabbed a brown paper bag from the table, "Cherry anyone?" he asked, waving the bag in our direction. We all declined and he headed to the front of the van as I rested my head against Chester's shoulder, my eyes slowly closing.

 

I was just drifting off into a comfortable slumber, snuggling against Chester's warm body as I fell asleep, that is until the van jerked rather violently. My eyes snapped open and I bolted upright.

 

"Shit!" Brad exclaimed and his curses were followed by someone painfully coughing.

 

Joe and Bob also woke up this time, Bob franticly scrambling to his feet.

 

"What the fuck is going on?" he asked.

 

"Shit!" Brad yelled again, franticly turning the engine off, "I think Rob's choking."

 

Dave sprung from my side, along with Bob who hastily clambered over bags and instruments, reaching Rob just as he spat the offending cherry stone out of his mouth.

 

"Fucking cherries," he croaked.

 

"It's not the cherries," Dave stated, staring vacantly out of the window, "It's those cows. They're fucking evil, they're a curse.... They're plotting to take over the world," he whispered.

 

"Okay," Bob huffed, "Rob I'll take over navigating, go get some water. Dave get some fucking sleep because you're really starting to sound nuts now," he ordered, taking the map from Rob as he took the passenger seat.

 

"Did I miss something?"

 

I looked across at Joe and shrugged my shoulders, I was half asleep as it was, but those guys were certainly acting strange. I shook my head, "I think Dave's had too much sugar. It's gotten into his blood and gone right to his head. Was he at the peppermint creams again?" I asked, causing Joe to chuckle.

 

"I think you're right," Dave nodded, flopping down beside me, "I drank way too much coke at that diner," he hiccuped, "Now I'm acting crazy..."

 

"It's not the first time," Rob smirked, taking a swig of his water as he slumped down next to Joe.

 

"Either that or we're all suffering from sleep deprivation," Chester, who up until now had been unusually quiet spoke.

 

I smiled and shook my head. Maybe I wasn't the only one that was feeling the strains of being on the road and trapped inside this RV 24/7. Dave did look shattered and Rob looked unusually pale. Suddenly the engine started again and the van began to reverse, the sound of gravel underneath us a welcome one as Brad turned the van in, hopefully, the right direction and we headed down the road.

 

"To infinity and beyond!" I heard Brad call from the front. I smiled and closed my eyes, relief that we were just that tiny bit nearer to getting to our next destination.

 

"Anyone fancy a game of cards?" Rob spoke.

 

I shook my head and half heard Dave answer 'yes'. I felt him get up from  
beside me and stretched out a little, cuddling further against Chester.

 

"Did I ever tell you how sweet you guys are together?"

 

I opened my eyes as Joe moved and sat down beside me, allowing my legs to rest on top of his as he continued.

 

"Seriously, you are. You make the sweetest couple in the history of Rock," he grinned.

 

"Quit it," I scowled, sticking my tongue out at him. Chester let out a chuckle,

 

"I'm going to take that compliment Hahn, and savor it forever because it's  
very rare that you say such nice things about me."

 

I pulled my legs up to my chest and found myself laughing along with Chester as Joe mock pouted.

 

"I always say nice things about the tremendously sexy, piece of ass that is Chester Bennington," he sulked, "I am deeply offended."

 

"Ha! Mr. Hahn is deeply offended. You're a riot Joe. Anyway were you hitting on me then?"

 

"Moi?" Joe asked.

 

"Yes you," Chester rolled his eyes.

 

"No. I'd only hit on your boyfriend," he smirked, winking at me, "Le beau garçon," he whispered in a deep voice before launching himself on top of me, his fingers tickling my arms and chest.

 

"Stop it!" I laughed, struggling underneath him, "Chaz! Tell him to," I pulled my arms tighter around me, "Pack it in!"

 

"Ha!" Joe roared, "No one can save you Mike," he growled, licking his lips in an almost menacing way.

 

"You look like a freaking vampire when you do that," I spluttered in between laughs, until finally he gave up and sat back down beside me.

 

"You're fucking nuts Joe," I smiled, sitting back up.

 

"Yeah but what would you do without him, huh?" Chester smiled, "How could you possibly live without Joe and his insane antics?"

 

I chose not to answer him as I swore that was a little dig at me and what I'd said earlier. It was amazing how quickly your mood could change. From messing around like a very hyper kid to feeling that empty, almost indescribable fog fall over you. He was right though, I couldn't live without Joe, nor Chester or any of the others.

 

"He couldn't," Joe stated simply, folding his arms across his chest, "Did you two have sex the other night?" he suddenly asked, "When we were on our way to to that motel we crashed in?"

 

"Joe!" Chester exclaimed.

 

"I heard you."

 

"Okay," Chester nodded, "That's enough."

 

"Does it hurt?"

 

"Does it...? Joe, have you been smoking pot again?" Chester asked.

 

"Just a little," he murmured, "Does it though?"

 

"Joe..."

 

"I was only curious."

 

I raised my eyebrow at him, only just realizing how bloodshot his eyes were,

 

"You've done more than a little," I told him.

 

"I just wondered, I mean it's such a little..."

 

"Joe!" I blushed.

 

"Come on! I'm a virgin in both ways, I was just curious. When I'm not so high  
I'll have forgotten all about this little conversation," he murmured, starting to yawn, "Man I'm whacked," he mumbled, his eyes starting to close.

 

"Okay... is that normal?" I asked Chester.

 

"He's always like that these days," Chester told me sullenly.

 

"I guess he's not the only one falling apart?"

 

"He's not falling apart. He's just a little fed up too. I guess he deals with it in different ways."

 

"What? Getting high night after night?" I frowned, it wasn't the first time. I just hadn't quite realised that it was getting more often and often, "This is what I mean Ches, I don't like the way it changes us."

 

"You haven't changed..."

 

"But Joe, he's really changing..."

 

"He's okay," Chester told me.

 

"He is?" I asked him, glancing at our now fast-asleep companion.

 

"You worry way too much," Chester sighed, "Come on you look tired. Let's go into the back and get some sleep, yeah?"

 

I nodded and allowed Chester to pull me to my feet. We waved goodnight to Rob and Dave as we headed into the back of the van where the bed and half our luggage was. It wasn't a proper bed, more like a mattress on top of the fold down tables but it was better than sleeping on the couches, or even the floor. And thankfully, it just so happened that it was our turn to sleep in here.

 

Chester pulled the rickety sliding door shut behind us and I flopped down against the large mattress that took up the majority of the space, inhaling the scent of the freshly washed sheets.

 

"I'm so tired," I sighed as Chester lay down beside me, taking off his black framed glasses and tucking them safely up on one of the shelves above the window. He lay back down again, letting out a deep sigh.

 

"Me too," he yawned, "How are you feeling now?" he asked, turning on his side to face me. His warm fingers gently brushed across my forehead, pushing back my thick spikes of hair.

 

"I'm okay," I answered.

 

"Are you sure? I've never seen you cry like that before, you freaked me out," he admitted, "I wish I could make it all go away for you," he murmured, moving closer against me.

 

"Me too," I sighed.

 

"Were you serious? About wanting to quit?"

 

I took my time to answer that, because I still wasn't one hundred percent  
sure what I wanted to do about that. No, I didn't want to leave the band, but sometimes staying on and living like this just didn't appeal in the slightest.

 

"I don't want to quit, Ches," I finally answered, "I just wish that things were a little better, y'know," I paused, racking my brains for the right words to explain how I felt, "You're right, we're not going to know if this is what we wanna do, unless we really try, through thick and thin. I've just had a really bad week, and last night I just fucked everything up, didn't I?"

 

"No," he shook his head, "You didn't. You were confused Mike."

 

"I still am."

 

"About the band?"

 

"Not so much... I just don't understand why I can't stop cutting," I shook my head, shivering as the words left my mouth, "I don't want to do it, I know I don't need to do it but I can't stop. I'm fucking insane! I just felt so weird yesterday, after we'd done the gig and you guys went for a drink in the bar, I just found myself wondering around and I felt so lonely," I closed my eyes, "And I know I'm not alone, I know I have you guys, especially you Ches, but I just felt so lost...." I stopped as a tear slid down my cheek, "And it just pushed me over the edge, I felt so fucking confused about everything and the next thing I was in that cold toilet stall, slicing my arm into ribbons."

 

"Why didn't you say? Hey?" Chester whispered, wiping my tears away with the back of his thumb, "I know it's hard, but you've got to talk to me when you feel like that."

 

My eyes slowly fluttered open, "Please don't be mad at me. I'm sorry I broke my promise Chester," I whispered, looking into his eyes, "I know I did so well, I didn't do it for ages and I'm sorry if I've let you down."

 

"Ssh," Chester whispered, slipping his arm around my waist, "You've done so well," he told me, "Of course I'm not mad with you," His voice was soothing as he pulled me close against him, "Remember how long it took me to stop?" he asked, his hand gently smoothing up and down my back, "Over a year. Then came another six months, then another. It's been two years since I stopped.  
And yeah, I still feel at times like all I want to do is trace a blade up and down my wrists until I can't bleed anymore, but I don't, I push that thought right away and talk to you. You help me so much," he whispered, "And I hope I can do the same, you've just got to let me."

 

I nodded my head, sniffing as more tears slid down my cheeks, "I'm trying Chester," I told him sincerely, "I don't know what's been up with me," I shook my head, "I guess things have just gotten me down and bottling up certainly hasn't helped," I sighed.

 

"What am I gonna do with you, huh?" Chester smiled, wiping my tears away,  
"Just try not to worry so much about things, yeah? You're gonna have another breakdown if you do. Things are going well y'know. Through the dodgy truck cafe meals, cold showers and aching bodies we're getting quite a crowd of fans, y'know. And the others have gotten loads of material for the album, it's just going to be a matter of picking the best stuff and finally recording it," he gave me a nudge, "Okay?"

 

I nodded, "Sorry," I murmured, kissing him gently on the cheek, "I'm gonna be  
more positive, I swear. I'm even looking forward to the six hour journey were gonna be making through tomorrow night, when I have to drive," I grinned.

 

"That's more like it," Chester murmured, gently pressing his warm lips against mine, "Come on," his voice softly whispered, "Let's get some sleep, you look worn out."

 

"Yeah," I nodded, snuggling further against him. He wrapped his arms even tighter around me, my head buried in the crook of his neck as slowly I drifted off into a sweet, dreamless sleep.

 

*


	3. Chapter 3

It was either Bob shouting, or the loud screech of brakes that jerked me awake, whatever it was, it was a very unwelcome intrusion on the deep sleep I'd been in. Rubbing my eyes, I sat up, only just noticing the empty space on the bed next to me. The door was slid open and as I looked through sleepy eyes, I could see Chester at the kitchen counter, stuffing his face with crisps as he watched Bob and Brad arguing; an amused look across his face. I shifted a little so I was propped up on my elbows and sighed, never did I think I'd be this much in love.

 

My older brother had undoubtedly been in love with his first girlfriend, who he then went on to marry, and I could remember the amount of time he'd spent with her, on the phone to her, or just staring into space - thinking only about her. At the time I'd sneered and felt sick at the thought of wanting to spend the rest of my life with the same person. But now, now it was a different story and my stupid thoughts of quitting the band earlier, had proved that even more.

 

I couldn't live without him. I also couldn't live without my four best friends, but that was a different kettle of fish. I couldn't even go without seeing Chester for a whole week, and as sappy and clingy as it sounded, it was so true. We'd barely been apart since we'd met in High School. We'd started dating the second week of term - in secret of course, but then, after months of hiding it from everyone - we both came out. Chester's parents had welcomed it with open arms. Mine, on the other hand hadn't and still they refused to allow Chester in the house, to the very day.

 

Maybe that's what had started everything off, the constant feeling of worthlessness and lack of self esteem that seemed to cloud my mind day after day. Whatever it had been, Chester had always done his all to make it go away. Sometimes I felt awkward, like I relied on him too much - he after all had his own problems - but then he'd tell me to stop being so damn stupid and remind me that I helped him too.

 

We'd been through thick and thin together. Hard times in High School when we'd gotten mixed up with the wrong crowds and ended up drugged up to our eyeballs most weekends. We'd helped each other through that, through the self harm we'd both slipped into. We'd been through way too much for me to throw it away. Chester had undoubtedly been my rock, he kept me sane when I dwelled on the fact that I'd disappointed my parents. But the choice of not speaking had been made by them. The last time I saw them had been the day before I'd graduated from High School. We hadn't spoken since. Not a word. And not a day went past when I wondered if they even cared where I was......

 

"Hey."

 

"Hey," I smiled, looking up as Chester stood in the doorway. He scrunched up the empty crisp bag and threw it in the bin before stepping in and sliding the door behind him. Only then did I realise we'd started to move again.

 

"Did Brad kill something?" I asked as Chester sat beside me on the bed, his hand resting on my stomach.

 

"Not quite. He took the wrong turning. Again. I swear he doesn't know left from right, either that or Bob's got the map up the wrong way. Again," he rolled his eyes.

 

"Great. We're never gonna get off this van, are we?" I asked sliding down onto my back, my eyes shutting as the sound of the engine ran through my ears,

 

"Where are we anyway?"

 

"I've no idea, but apparently we're almost there, except that's what Bob's been telling us all night," Chester answered, his hand smoothing up and down my stomach, "You feeling better now?" he asked.

 

"Yeah," I nodded, my eyes fluttering open, "Much. I guess I was just tired, on top of everything else."

 

Chester gave me an understanding smile, before laying back down on the bed, his head resting above mine, "You scared me, y'know?"

 

"Sorry."

 

"Don't worry about it," he murmured, snaking his arm around my waist. I snuggled up against him, resting my head against his chest, "Had you been awake long?"

 

"No, just when Brad performed his emergency stop," I smiled, "Did he wake you?"

 

"The first time, yeah."

 

"He did it before?" I chuckled.

 

"Mmm-hmm," Chester nodded, "Then when I finally fell asleep, I had the weirdest dream," he smiled.

 

"Not one of your hot, steamy dreams?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

 

"Unfortunately not," he shook his head, "All I can remember was being chased by you around this empty field and when you finally caught up with me you made me eat this chocolate. It was in a brown and gold wrapper and called 'Spike's Erotic Chocolate'," he frowned, "And then I felt really horny and ran after you, yelling that I was a Golden God."

 

I burst out laughing, "Oh God," I chuckled, "You're fucked in the head. Aren't dreams meant to mean things? I mean, aren't they supposedly an insight into your mind?"

 

"Yeah," Chester nodded, "I guess."

 

"So what the fuck does that mean?" I asked.

 

"Well, I'm horny right now," he stated, "And I am a Golden God."

 

I burst out laughing again, chuckling away as Chester watched me with a smile. He amazed me; he was such a serious person, yet such a joker at the same time. He never failed to have me in fits of laughter.

 

"Hey. I can't help it if my dreams are a little tweaked," he grinned goofily.

 

"I'm sorry," I smirked, my laughter finally stopping, "Did you mean it though?" I asked looking up at him.

 

"Mean what?"

 

"That you were horny?"

 

"Sure I...."

 

I didn't let him finish the end of his sentence because my mood had already lifted and before he'd gotten his last word out I had him pinned down against the bed, my lips pressed against his, nibbling and kissing. After a few seconds he began to kiss me back, his warm lips moving in sync with mine as his hands ran up and down my spine, a low moan escaping my throat.

 

His eyes were fiery as I pulled away, resting my forehead against his, "I'm sorry about before," I murmured, pressing a kiss to the end of his nose, "Sometimes everything seems to boil up inside me and I can't think straight and then...."

 

"And then you say and do crazy things because you're upset and you're not even thinking straight?"

 

I slowly nodded my head, "You always know," I whispered, pressing my lips against his, "You always know how to make it better." My eyes seemed to involuntary close as Chester kissed me back, his body pressing against mine until finally he pushed me off him, straddling me against the soft mattress.

 

My hands slid up his back, holding him close as his kisses became more powerful, his warm tongue trailing against my lips, hands wondering up and down my sides. Finally, he pulled away, his eyes smiling at me, "Let me help you forget everything," he whispered, and I slowly nodded my head, my heartbeat increasing as he sat up and pulled of his crisp, white shirt.

 

In a matter of minutes, we lay across the bed, soft moans and the creek of the mattress filling the air as we kissed, hands touching one another anywhere possible. Chester's lips left mine as his hands began to slowly creep underneath the hem of my jumper, pushing it up my body. It landed on the floor beside his shirt and at that moment, everything seemed to flood back to me. I shivered as Chester's hand slid down my arm, stopping at my wrist.

 

"Oh sweetie," he whispered, tracing his fingertips along the newly formed cuts and burns. I relaxed a little as his fingers ran up and down my scarred arm, almost as if they held some kind of healing power; one touch and I felt like I was on top of the world.

 

I slid my arm around Chester's waist, pulling him nearer as I pressed my lips to his, kissing him feverishly, "I need you Chaz," I murmured, sliding my hands up and down his spine, "Now," I whispered and his hand left my wrist, swiftly traveling up to my cheek. He cupped my face in his hands, pressing a chaste kiss against my lips before his hands left, quickly working on the fastening of my trousers.

 

Our clothes were soon piled up on the floor and we lay naked, Chester's lithe body pressed up against mine.

 

"You're so beautiful," Chester whispered, his eyes full of desire as he placed delicate kisses upon my lips, "So fucking beautiful," he murmured, his tongue gliding along my bottom lip.

 

I moaned, my eyes closing as his lips pushed against mine, our tongues battling inside my mouth as his hands slid up and down my body, groping every inch of skin. My hand rested in the small of Chester's back, my other one clawing at the bed sheets, everytime his fingertips ran over a sensitive spot. I was growing harder and harder by the minute and if Chester didn't do something about it, I was going to spill my load right there and then.

 

"Chaz," I moaned, bucking my hips up against him.

 

He slowly looked up at me from where his lips were pressed, tongue gently lapping against my chest. He looked beyond horny and I had to take a deep breath before I spoke, "Please, I need you now...."

 

He smiled and pressed another kiss to my chest, before sitting up, his warm hand wrapping around mine and pulling me up beside him.

 

"We need some lube or something," he murmured into my ear as we sat, legs tangled around one another.

 

"Under the bed," I panted, watching as Chester leant back over the edge of the bed, his fingers groping around until finally he found what he'd been searching for. He sat up once again, the small bottle of lotion placed beside us as his hands slid across my shoulders.

 

"I wanna try something different," his voice was deep, a husky tone to it, and at that moment in time I was up for doing absolutely anything at all.

 

Chester gently pushed me down against the matress. He rolled me onto my side, soon lying down behind me. His warm body pressed up against my back, his chin resting on my shoulders as he murmured sweet nothings in my ear. One arm wrapped around me, his hand gently stroking circles onto my stomach.

 

"I want you so bad," he whispered, the click of the lotion bottle slowly  
following, "So fucking bad," he continued, sliding his other hand down my back. I gasped as I felt a cool fingertip gently pressing against my opening, followed by another one until finally both his fingers were pushing inside me, sending a mixture of pain and pleasure down my spine.

 

"This might hurt a little," he murmured, his lips gently pressing against my neck. I felt a strange sensation kicking in as he pushed his fingers further inside me, brushing them against something inside that sent a shiver down my spine.

 

"Fuck," I moaned, wrapping my hand around his.

 

"You okay?"

 

"Hmm," I nodded, feeling Chester's fingers gently slip out of me.

 

"Okay," he whispered and in one swift motion I felt him enter me, my cries not able to be stopped as he buried himself deep inside of me, tears of pain escaping my eyes.

 

"Ssh," Chester soothed, "Are you okay?"

 

"Mmm," I nodded, "I'm fine," I whispered, my fingernails digging into his hand as I pushed it further down my body, "Please Chester," I begged, "Just.. fuck.. me..."

 

He needed no further pleads and slowly began to thrust himself into me, his hand clawing my stomach, his hot breaths blowing in my ear. His other hand slid down my arm, his hot fingertips tracing across my wounds once again.

 

"I want you do to something for me," he whispered, "Try Mike, try to stop," his voice was hoarse and at that moment I could feel him pushing further inside me, his hand slipping out of mine and down to my erection, fingers wrapping around it and moving in time with his thrusts.

 

"You know I'll try," I managed to get out, "Shit... This feels so good... You feel so fucking good," I moaned, my head falling back, lips parting as another moan of pleasure escaped me.

 

My eyes shut tight, the sound of Chester's pants in my ear mixed with the burning sensation of him thrusting inside me became too much and with a shaky moan I came; my hot essence spilling onto Chester's hand and the sheets below us.

 

"Oh fuck Mike," Chester's voice echoed through my ears. His arms tightened around my waist, his thrusts becoming harder and harder, "Baby, I'm...." his voice drifted off as I felt him come inside me, his body shaking against mine, our breathing heavy as Chester gently pulled out of me.

 

He lay behind me, his fingers soothing up and down my spine before wrapping his strong arms around my waist and we lay in silence, the only sound that of our ragged breaths.

 

"Mike," Chester murmured, finally breaking the silence.

 

I shifted in his arms, turning to face him, "Hmm?" I asked sleepily.

 

"You're not gonna leave me, are you?" he asked, worry evident in his eyes,

 

"Please, just promise me you're not gonna lea..."

 

"I'm not. I'm not leaving you and I'm not leaving the band. Ever," I smiled, kissing his damp forehead.

 

He smiled back at me, his eyes slowly fluttering shut and I let out a contented sigh as he snuggled up against me. I wrapped my arms tight around him, rocking him to sleep. A yawn escaped me as I glanced around the small space, the first signs of morning peeking through the plastic venetian blinds that swayed with every twist and turn that the van took.

 

That was probably when I began to realise, halfway to Wichita, the sun starting to rise as we drove down the empty highway, Chester fast asleep in my arms.

 

Maybe, just maybe, my life wasn't so bad.

 

*


End file.
